This week, we’re back with Akbar and Birbal!
We’ll see how Birbal can pull off a trick that even David Copperfield and Houdini would have been proud of!
If you haven’t heard previous Akbar Birbal stories, that’s perfectly okay as these stories are all standalone. Check out the links in the show notes to earlier episodes.
All you need to know for today’s episode is that Akbar was the Emperor of most of Medieval India. As any Emperor should, he had many ministers. But one of them was his absolute favorite. And that was Birbal.
Akbar could count on Birbal to solve every problem, to give the wisest replies to the toughest questions, and to get anyone out of any sticky situation. Birbal was the equivalent of Jeeves to Akbar’s Bertie Wooster, or Hermione to Harry Potter.
Today’s story begins not with Akbar and Birbal, but with a few other folks from the Emperor’s court. It was Poker night! At the Poker table were 3 other ministers, and the Emperor’s barber.
As is usual amongst co-workers at a social event who have a common boss, they started complaining about their boss’s favorite. And that was Birbal.
The Minister for Horse Saddle Procurement slammed his cards down on the table and cursed Birbal! My budgets are cut, just because Birbal told a joke the other day about some horses.
The Minister for Manure and Fertilizers added and if I have to answer another one of Akbar’s silly and hypothetical questions, I might just ask for a transfer to another kingdom!
The Barber chimed in – “you can say that again! I can’t stand listening to Birbal stories from the Emperor anymore. The other day as I was trimming his hair, I almost snipped his ear off!
If I hadn’t been Akbar’s dad’s barber for years, I’d have found a different job”
The fourth chap, the Emperor’s personal secretary’s personal secretary was a man of action. “Gentlemen, he said. We all agree this is a deplorable situation. We should act. Moving someplace else is not a good idea. I hear other countries have it worse. We should get rid of Birbal. But how? Does anyone have any ideas?”
They brainstormed a bit until they finally hit upon a plan. Akbar was gullible and known to believe in the afterlife. They would take advantage of that.
Soon, they began spreading bits of information and news around the palace reinforcing Akbar’s belief. After lots of this, one day the Barber wondered aloud to Akbar that he’d had a new thought and that he was really worried. How were Akbar’s dear old father and grandfather getting on in Heaven? Were they comfortable? What if they needed something? Wasn’t it Akbar’s duty to ensure they were comfortable?
These questions ate at the gullible Emperor, until finally he brought up this question during the next all hands meeting in his Court.
People pondered over this. But soon the Emperor’s personal secretary’s personal secretary had an idea! Why not send someone to the afterlife? They could help out if the Emperor’s ancestors needed anything.
That seemed like a jolly good idea to the crowd. Birbal was on his guard, he’d been following the trending afterlife hashtags all over the kingdom. He could see where this was leading. He began thinking furiously.
Once the entire court had cheered for the decision to send someone, there was no doubt as to who would be sent. This job required the wisest, the wittiest and the most resourceful person amongst them. And that person of course was Birbal.
Akbar was a bit hesitant. But he heard people muttering around him about how noble he was for sacrificing Birbal for his ancestors’ needs.
Birbal stepped up and said he’d love to go! The conspirators had not expected that. But the plan was working at least.
Birbal continued that it would be a pleasure to see the Emperor’s ancestors. He’d just need a bit of time to prepare. Say, a month or so. And money. Call it his entire earnings and pension for what might have been the rest of his life. He would secure his family’s future, top up his kids’ college fund and only then head out on the one-way trip.
That sounded reasonable enough.
A month passed by very quickly. On the appointed date, Birbal had prepared an elaborate pyre for himself, stacked with logs of wood. He waved everyone goodbye, got in between all of the wood. He gave the go ahead signal to a couple of guards who then promptly set the stack of wood on fire. Hours later when the wood had completely burned out, everyone headed home. The conspirators hung back to make sure that everything in the stack had indeed burned completely.
But don’t worry. Birbal was completely safe. He’d figured out that the Barber was involved, and that he was the weakest link in the conspiracy. Birbal had used the month of preparation to prepare a tunnel. Right under the stack of wood. The tunnel led him back to his house, where he camped out on a ton of food he’d locked away. He spent the next month binge-watching on all the latest Netflix shows.
Finally, when he’d had enough of watching TV, he decided to make his next move. He’d been careful not to shave during the entire month and now he had a full beard.
He walked in at half-time during the next all-hands meeting at Akbar’s court. There were gasps all around as people recognized him.
Akbar was delighted to see Birbal. The past month had been extremely dull without Birbal around.
Birbal had been comfortable enough in his own home, but no one else knew that. Your majesty he said, it’s been a long journey. Akbar immediately ordered his servants to bring in a recliner, some drinks and food and anything else Birbal might need.
As Birbal slowly ate his food and sipped at his drink, all eyes were expectantly glued to him.
Finally Akbar asked “Well? Did you meet my father?”
“Of course, your majesty” replied Birbal. “Your illustrious father received me warmly. He is in excellent health and having the time of his life! And so are all your ancestors”
Akbar asked if they were all comfortable in Heaven?
“Absolutely!” replied Birbal. “They have every possible comfort! Except ….”
“Yes, go on” prompted Akbar
“Well, it’s like this, your highness. There’s every possible comfort in Heaven except there are no good barbers. You can tell from my own beard. Most of your ancestors have beards trailing down to their feet.
In fact just the other day, right after he’d tripped on his own beard, your father mentioned to me how very badly he misses the royal barber!”
You can guess the reaction – Akbar was distressed by this piece of news and immediately ordered the Barber to be sent to Heaven.
Of course, the barber didn’t go. He would sooner give up all his co-conspirators than be burned up. And that’s exactly how all of them ended up in prison.
This was another victory for Birbal. And this one served as a fair warning to any other future conspirators. They applied for an exchange program to another Kingdom instead.
That’s all for now
Previous Akbar-Birbal Episodes
Previous Akbar and Birbal episodes include Episode 9 – A Clever Minister in King Akbar’s Court, Episode 10 – The Great Detective, and Episode 22 – Slow Cooker.
Next Time
In the next mini-episode, we’ll meet a creature from the Himalayas whose existence is much debated. Its existence in pop culture is indisputable, as it makes guest appearances in Tintin and Disney and Marvel comics, as well as various movies, including one as recent as last year