Episode 3 – Animal Hater 2

King Krishadevaraya(whom I’m just going to call the King) was presiding over his court in the kingdom of vijayaragaram. He had a royal dog, and the dog had just had puppies – 10 of them.

Before you go “Awwww”, I must caution you. Instead of taking selfies with the little cute puppies and uploading them on social media, the king had a horrible idea. When he noticed that none of the puppies had a straight tail. I dont understand the King’s obsession with a straight tail, why should the shape of the tail matter?

But he was the King. So when he announced a tail-straightening contest people jumped at the chance. The contest winner would get a 100 gold coins, which made people overlook how cute the puppies were. The puppies were distributed amongst the first 10 people to sign up. Tenali Raman was one of them. He habitually treated animals poorly and was always on the lookout for gold coins. So this was probably a dream come true for Raman. 

Many of the other volunteers tried humane methods to straighten their puppy’s tail.

One of them created a collar for his puppy’s tail to nudge it into becoming straight over time.

Another hired a very expensive masseur to massage their puppy’s tail. 

A third person was a bit less nice, and tied a heavy stone to his puppy’s tail to weigh it down and straighten it. 

The fourth person consulted a vet and got a prescription for some miracle drugs.

The next person decided to leave it up to higher powers – he prayed to god in a temple.

Someone else left their puppy alone, believing the tail would straighten by itself given time.

Another person decided that feeding the puppy would be the right thing to do. This last puppy got the royal treatment – the courtier spent a lot of money on the puppy at the expense of his own family.

Raman didnt do any of that – he simply tied up the puppy and gave it barely enough food for it to survive.

Now this is a fictional story and doesnt makes any sense; which is why Raman’s puppy ended up with a straight tail. (Starving a puppy is a bad idea. Dont try this at home!)

At the end of the contest, The King asked for examined all 10 puppies and saw how Raman’s was the only one with the straight tail. Raman’s puppy was also the one that looked the most sickly but that didnt seem to bother the King.

Instead of instead of punishing Raman the King gave him a 100 gold coins. And praised him, again. Seriously what is wrong with this kingdom?

This is why we have organizations like the SPCA and the PETA.

Anyway, not long after to no one’s surprise the Raman’s puppy passed away. The priests called Raman out on that – finally someone seems to be showing some sense.

You starved the poor little puppy to death they said to Raman.

But it was soon clear that they had an ulterior motive.

The priests claimed that their super spiritual/enlightened state had allowed them to see what others hadnt seen. 

And what exactly is that? asked Raman the dog killer

Simple they said – the puppy’s ghost will wander the land restlessly haunting everyone until it is appeased. In a completely unrelated coincidence, we priests are the only ones who can appease the ghost.

Since Tenali had caused the dog’s death he has to pay us a 100 gold coins for the all the hard work involved.

Tenali who could sense a plot a mile away, was quick to spot one this time as well. He had an idea.

I dont have money on me right now he said. But if you really really insist, I can sell my very fine horse and give the money to you.

The priests knew Tenali’s horse was a fine one(this was probably the same chicken wing eater from the last episode) they knew the horse was worth at least a 100 gold coins and so they readily agreed.

But Raman pulled a cheap and dirty trick on them, and to this day this trick has been a model for Airlines all over the world when they offer deals.

Raman put out a for sale sign and an ad to sell his horse but added an asterisk and a footnote.

Not long after, the priests who hadnt paid much attention to the ad saw Raman’s horse being led away by its new owner. Eagerly Looking forward to getting their gold, they immediately went to  Raman and asked him to pay up.

Raman said of course – I’ll be happy to pay you whatever the buyer paid me minus administrative fees, taxes, title, surcharges and prorated insurance.

When the priests started raising a stink about this, Raman said, you know what I’m feeling real generous today and I like you guys – so I’m going to do you guys a huge favor – I’ll waive all the fees. When he saw the priests breathe a collective sigh of relief raman added – besides I cant really deduct any fees – what I got for that horse was 1 copper coin, like 1 cent – you cant really expect me to give you part of 1 cent can you?

one copper coin, what are you talking about? Asked the priests. That horse was worth at least a 100 gold coins.

Oh maybe you guys didnt get the memo – I sold the horse for one copper coin said Raman.

One copper coin, are you crazy? the priests exclaimed.

Not really said Raman. You see, you should have paid more attention to my ad and the fine print. The listed price was indeed a copper coin.

But Raman had added a footnote. it said that to qualify for this incredible once in a lifetime deal, the buyer also had to buy the horse’s saddle for the trivial sum of a 100 gold coins.

100 gold coins and 1 copper coin was still a pretty good deal for the horse and its saddle, so Raman was able  to find a buyer quickly enough.

The priests couldnt really complain – they’d agreed to only receive from Raman whatever money he got for the horse. So One copper coin is all they got.

So the priests got tricked by Raman – they were the losers in this story. The owner of the new horse got a fair price for the horse and he was happy

 Raman was happy too – he managed to get out of a sticky situation with the priests – and he got a fair deal on his horse – waaay more than he deserved. 

But I’m sure the Horse was happiest of all, seeing as how Raman treated his cat and his dog, I’m sure the Horse would have leapt for joy at the news that he was being sold

That’s it for that story.

Since we’re on the topic of animals I thought I’d include one additional little snippet from the life, or as it happens, the death of Tenali Raman.

For someone who spent a lifetime making money off of being cruel to animals, its tragic but still somehow befitting that he died from an encounter with an animal.

Raman was out walking one day and was suddenly bitten by a snake. He lay on the ground as the poison made its way through his veins.

He asked a passerby to send an urgent message to the king, but the king ignored it thinking this was another of Tenali Raman’s tricks.

In another version of the story, the King had died a few years before Raman, so in that version there’s no mention of a message being sent. But given its the 1500s record keeping wasnt very exact then

Notes

There are many parallels between Tenali Raman and the King and the stories of Akbar and Birbal. Birbal joined Akbar’s court about 26 years after Tenali Raman’s death. In Birbal’s case the setup is very similar, but the stories themselves are different and the reward often isnt a hundred gold coins, but simply praise from the emperor. And Akbar definitely does not often praise Birbal for harming any animals. We’ll definitely do several Akbar Birbal episodes later on in the podcast.

while Tenali Raman is remembered for his wit and his stories, he was also a great poet and a polyglot. Its a shame that he had to be such a jerk to animals.

Character of the week – Bakasura

Bakasura is a giant demon who appears in the Mahabharata. His name has come to be synonymous with gluttony in much of India.

Bakasura was a demon who terrorised a village near the cave where he lived, killing and eating indiscriminately. The villagers made a deal – they wanted to show a fixed loss on their portfolio instead of a floating one – they would send Bakasura a cart load of food everyday if he could please just stop looting and killing them.

So from that day on, his diet consisted of a ox-cart load of food, followed by the oxen and the cart driver for dessert.

That is until he met Bhima the mighty pandava and possibly the strongest man in the world. But that’s for another episode

Next week

Next week, we’ll dive into some animal stories. Where you’ll find out how some basic physics can help you get a good meal or maybe even save your life. 

The character next week is a warrior goddess who travels on a tiger and who can casually destroy any demon even with her hands tied behind her back, all 8 of them