Episode 10.5 – 3…2…1…. Gift-off!

I know we usually meet on Sundays but I thought I would do a holiday special. 

Given the season I have a story for you about an old man with a white beard who is very generous and gives out gifts. I am not talking about the gentleman who lives at the north pole but rather about a poor old grass cutter in the Indian subcontinent a few centuries ago. 

The grass cutting profession is self descriptive. Wali dad cut grass every day and sold it to pretty much anyone who had a horse, because these horses preferred grass to oats.

Everyday for 50 years wali dad cut and then sold bundle of grass for 5 paise, or 5 cents.

Inflation wasn’t much to speak of, and no taxes were necessary.

Wali dad spent exactly 4 paise everyday on food and clothing and saved off the last one.

It’s not that he wanted to save it, it’s just that he had no use for it. So he dropped it in his own personal piggy bank in his hut. 

He had no incidental expenses, and didn’t take any vacations or donate to any charity mainly because the tourism industry didnt exist, and wali dad was poor enough himself that it didn’t even occur to anyone to solicit a charitable  contribution from him.

After 50 years of saving up a paisa each day wali dad finally decided to check how much he had and was surprised to discover he had a pretty big pile. To most people this would have been a pleasant surprise. Not to wali dad:

He had no use for this extra money. 

I mean anyone else would have considered retiring or maybe upgrading from his simple mud hut or tattered clothes or even just getting a better scythe. But not wali dad. He didnt care for a tuxedo or a shopping spree at home depot. Instead he took all his money in to the jeweler.

The jeweler, an honest man, really, would not take the money without giving wali dad something in return.

Alright, if it’s all the same to you. I will take something. He picked up a beautiful bracelet of gold encrusted with several precious stones. 

He had no use for the bracelet either. It couldn’t cut grass, and he couldnt eat it or wear it. But it was a really pretty bracelet and wali dad resolved to find the right owner for it. As luck would have it he ran into a merchant who was known to have traveled the world. And no, his name was not sinbad the sailor. Let’s call him seth. Which literally means merchant. 

Seth, wali dad addressed him. Tell me, in your travels who is the most virtuous lady you know of?

Definitely the princess of khaistan and florence nightingale was seth’s reply.

And who’s closer?

The princess he said.

Next time you’re in her territory would you please give her this bracelet? As a gift from me? Asked wali dad.

Despite seeing wali dad’s tattered clothing and how by contrast the bracelet was definitely expensive, seth didn’t call the police 

Without a doubt said the merchant. I am going there now.  And what’s more since you are a first time customer of mine, I wont even charge you any fees this time. Now tell me, are you asking me to transport any weapons, firearms or explosives?

No, it’s a bracelet. 

I still have to ask, or I’ll lose my license. Does it have lithium ion batteries, any combustible substances?

No, of course not said wali dad.

Did you pack your package yourself? Did someone give you something yo transport on their behalf.

No, I own everything and I didnt even pack it. I am giving you this bracelet without any packaging on it.

Alright just sign the customs forms here and here. Sign here to indicate that acknowledge that in no circumstances will you hold me liable for damages or delays.

Wali dad did sign it, and the merchant took the bracelet.

He went dashing through  the sand in a one camel open cart, and after a few days presented it to the princess of khaistan as a gift from the noble wali dad.

The princess was impressed- the bracelet was stunning and suited her perfectly. 

She decided on the basis of absolutely nothing that someone who chooses to send such a lavish gift to a complete stranger must be ridiculously rich. She thought I must send back something so that he doesn’t think any less of khaistan.

In the first place it might seems wrong for a princess to accept gifts from complete strangers. I mean there’s got to be an emoluments clause somewhere. Oh wait. This is the era where the monarchy had absolute decision making powers over everything and their word trumped all laws. So basically accepting such gifts was quite okay.

She sent back a camel laden with the finest silks. The merchant was happy to take that back to wali dad. 

Return gifts weren’t unusual in the merchant’s business. In fact on the last trip in exchange for a toy, the return gift had been some delicious cookies and some milk. What was different here was that the return gift seemed much more valuable than the original gift.

In a few days, when he presented the camel with fine silks to wali dad, wali dad was shocked. He had not expected to receive more that what he started off with.

The merchant would bail him out though.

Wali dad asked him to take them to the most virtuous gentleman he knew of.

Of course said the merchant. That would be the prince of nekabad.

Fine, to the prince of nekabad then, and you can keep some of the silks for yourself for transportation costs, camel maintenance, insurance etc.

This was a bad move for Wali Dad. The prince had an identical reaction to the princess of khaistan. 

He sent back lavish gifts – gold and silver on horses.

Now at this point if you were wali dad you should quit giving out gifts to people who don’t need it, and instead maybe gift the poor and the needy. And if he really wanted to put a stop to this he could have. By simply accepting one of the gifts and not sending it on.

But no, he hadnt learned his lesson. 

On went some of the horses with gold and silver to the princess of khaistan. And her subsequent gifts were routed to the prince again.

While wali dad was just acting as a broker, both the prince and the princess had grandiose notions of the noble wali dad.

The merchant was a bit fed up to, sure he was earning more than he ever had just by keeping the fraction that wali dad gave him, but this wasnt sustainable. He wasn’t equipped to transport such riches, he would have to upgrade his fleet of camels, he’d need to hire armed guards and probably be taxed in a higher bracket come April. He resolved that this would be his last trip for wali dad.

But after the most recent round of gifts the princess concluded, again based on absolutely nothing at all, that wali dad was seeking to marry her.

So she decided to accompany the merchant back herself to meet this generous man.

The merchant knew he was in a world of trouble now but still far too afraid to admit it. He sneaked ahead to warn wali dad.

Wali dad despaired at the situation and concluded that he would be blamed and therefore executed when the princess got here. He did the only thing he could think of – he went up into the hills to find a quiet nice cliff to jump off of. On the way he met a couple of fairies.

Where you going? They asked him. 

He told them his whole story. But then he was in a bit of luck.

Listen mac, we have an inventory problem on our magic just this week. The magic dust factory operated by this Nigerian prince sent us more dust than we can use. We want to perform some magic without causing too much trouble and we could help you out just this once. 

Okay, what bank details do you need? Asked wali dad

Nothing it’s really for free. Just dont go thinking you can get anything more. No more freebies. 

Oh and the magic wears off in a week so get your problem solved by then.

The fairies disappeared and then wali sad was surprised to discover that his clothes had magically changed into very rich ones. He rushed back home to discover his mud hut was a palace.

Overjoyed he had the merchant send a message to the prince to come visit wali dad.

The princess was pleased to meet wali dad, but it was clear he wasn’t interested in marrying her and she wasn’t interested in him either.

A grand feast was being held, quite like the banquet at the end of each asterix book.

The prince arrived soon, and just as wali dad had hoped the prince and princess liked each other. They had arrived separately but left as a couple. 

Wali dad had had a hard time adjusting to all rich clothes, he didn’t like having to tie a tie and to be well dressed all the time. And frankly he missed 7 days of grass cutting. Luckily just after the prince and princess left, the magic began to wear off.

Soon Wali dad was back in his tattered clothes and in his mud hut.

He couldn’t have been happier. 

Notes

Now in this story everyone is assumed to be incredibly honest, the jeweler,  the merchant and of course wali dad. Which proves how this is a work of fiction. If it were real life, wali dad we’d wouldn’t have managed to save much money, because his piggy bank would have been burgled several times over 50 years. And even if it hadn’t, the jeweler would have simply kept all the money without offering the bracelet in exchange, and failing that the merchant would have sold off the bracelet himself.

Its unreasonable how many times the gifts are exchanged and yet wali dad doesn’t stop sending on the gifts.

Personally I don’t like the fact that the deception continues with wali dad’s temporary palace and rich clothes.

I wish he’d been open with the princess and the prince. It’s not like they won’t soon discover that they had some of each others gifts.

The possibility of being executed was more important to Wali dad than sticking to his I-don’t-care-about-money principle. Although he needn’t have worried. The prince and princess that he’d picked were the most virtuous they wouldn’t execute him after – all he didn’t lie to them or anything.

That’s all I have for this week.

Thanks again to all you listeners and especially to everyone who provided feedback. Thanks to all my family and friends for their support!

I wish you all a happy Christmas and I will see you again soon.