Akbar-Birbal – Music, Mammoths, and Mind Games – {Ep.275}

Today’s episode features 4 Akbar Birbal stories to celebrate the 300th episode of this show! Featuring musicians, a gray elephant that is also a white elephant, and child psychology!

Namaskar and welcome to “Stories From India”. This is a podcast that will take you on a journey through the rich mythology, folklore and history of the Indian subcontinent. I am Narada Muni, the celestial storyteller and the original “time lord”. With my ability to travel through space and time, I can bring you fascinating stories from the past, the present, and the future. From the epic tales of the Mahabharata and Ramayana to the folktales of the Panchatantra to stories of Akbar-Birbal and Tenali Raman, I have a story for every occasion.

The purpose of the stories is neither to pass judgment nor to indoctrinate. My goal is only to share these stories with people who may not have heard them before and to make them more entertaining for those who have.

Today’s Story

This is a milestone episode – number 300! Now I know what you’re thinking, but trust me – I’m not bad at counting. I know this episode is labeled number 275. But if you include all the bonus and mini episodes this officially becomes the 300th episode of this show. I couldn’t be more grateful for your support along the way.

Before we jump into today’s story, I have some important news to share with all of you. In just 3 weeks, we’ll have completed 5 whole years of this podcast! It’s been an incredible journey, and I can’t thank you enough for being part of it.

At that point, I’ll be taking a break from releasing new episodes. Just to be clear – this hiatus is for personal reasons. As Narada Muni my duties take me all over the Universe, and let’s be honest – my schedule is packed! Between catching up with Gods and Goddesses, performing for sold-out audiences in Swarga, zipping through different eras and Kingdoms, I do need a little time to focus. 

From the bottom of my heart thank you to each and every one of you. Whether you’ve been a long time listener or whether you’ve just started tuning in – your support, feedback and engagement mean the world to me, and I’m deeply grateful and humbled by all your love and support.

While I’m on hiatus, feel free to catch up on any of the 300+ episodes you may have missed, and stay connected with me on social media. Who knows, you might hear from me soon about a new project I’m starting work on.

Now, let’s dive into today’s episode. We’ll cover 4 stories. You need not have heard any previous Akbar Birbal stories, since each of the episodes stands alone. The only bit of context you need is that Akbar was a real historical figure. He was an emperor who ruled most of 16th century India. Birbal was a minister in his court and Akbar’s favorite. There was no problem that Birbal could not solve, no mystery that he could not unravel, and no question that he could not answer. If Akbar was Bertie Wooster, Birbal would have been his Jeeves.

With that context, let’s jump right into story number 1.

There were a pair of musicians in Akbar’s court. Their names aren’t that important, but with so many options on offer from Bollywood’s rich history, let’s call this duo Laxmikant and Pyarelal. I can’t compare their actual musical talent with that of the legendary duo from Bollywood, because you can’t compare apples to oranges. They used different instruments, and composed music in different centuries, and so there were different standards for what passes for music. As I’ve never tired of saying it, I’m a musician myself, so you have this on good authority.

Anyway, Laxmikant and Pyarelal were rocking Akbar’s court with their latest composition. Just like their future descendants, their latest composition was about a protagonist urging his pet elephants to tow a broken down chariot. Akbar was incredibly pleased. He quite liked the vision of a towing service operated by elephants. The last time a chariot had broken down on the streets, the entire city of Agra had come to a standstill. It had taken 5 hours before the broken down chariot could be hauled away. Elephants were an elegant answer! Akbar instructed his minister of traffic to look into the matter. 

But that wasn’t enough. He was feeling generous, magnanimous even. Laxmikant Pyarelal deserved a reward. A big reward. A huge reward. A mammoth reward. Of course, there was only one kind of a reward that would fit this situation. 

He summoned the Minister of Animal Welfare and ordered him to gift Laxmikant and Pyarelal…. an elephant! And quickly.

Laxmikant Pyarelal shuddered at the thought of owning an elephant. But they couldn’t say anything of course. Instead they prayed that the Minister of Animal Welfare didn’t have spare elephants at the moment. At least long enough for the musically gifted duo to escape.

The Minister of Animal Welfare replied that of course he had one. He always had a standby elephant wrapped up with a nice bow tie ready to go, and its trunk all packed up. Laxmikant Pyarelal sighed and accepted the keys to the elephant from the emperor while a dozen portrait painters from the Press worked furiously away at their canvases trying to capture the scene for the next day’s newspapers. Reluctantly the duo went home to their little hut on the outskirts of the village. Yes, they shared a hut, because musicians didn’t earn much back in the day. And their only kind of earnings came from relying on the generosity of the royalty, the nobility and the idle rich. Today’s edition of this generosity of the royalty was one they could have done without.

Because they didn’t have the space or the means to manage an elephant. The elephant looked at them quizzically, as they examined the manual which educated them on a very strict diet they needed to put the elephant on. It had to eat a hundred and eighty kilograms of premium 1500 grade grass, and a hundred and fifty liters of water every single day. 

This was a big problem to the starving artists who lived on only one square meal a day. Now you might ask – why couldn’t they just give the elephant away? Or sell him perhaps?

Assuming they could even find a taker, which was a tough task, they couldn’t be seen to reject an emperor’s gift. Akbar might ask them at the next concert how the elephant was doing. They couldn’t lie to him, could they? Same thing if they neglected the poor beast and let it starve. News of the elephant’s ill health and/or premature demise would reach the emperor and that would result in their ill health and/or premature demise.

“We’ve got a white elephant on our hands,” Laxmikant muttered morosely.

He looked dark gray to Pyarelal but he let it slide. “Laxmikant old boy. My always said Jumbo problems need jumbo solutions. There is only one thing to do. Let’s go to Birbal.”

They did that. And within just a few minutes of chatting with Birbal, they danced out of Birbal’s mansion. Their troubles were over! They had nothing to worry about. 

They put Birbal’s plan into motion immediately. Which was to strap a veena to his trunk and to let the great beast loose. All it cost was a veena, and they had a faulty one to spare. 

Sure enough, only a few days later Akbar heard reports of an elephant wandering in town. He had his animal welfare folks investigate. When they scanned the barcode on its back they identified this great beast as the one that was gifted to Laxmikant and Pyarelal. Akbar was furious. But he didn’t punish anyone without at least hearing them first. Birbal knew that and was counting on it.

When the duo was brought before him, they heard Akbar demand an explanation for why they weren’t taking care of the beast at home. It was a supreme gift! Akbar had never been so magnanimous, and is this how they repaid him?

“Well, no your highness,” Laxmikant began explaining, delivering the lines that Birbal had carefully rehearsed him in. “We totally value your gift. In fact, we taught the elephant to play music! He trumpets and plays on the veena. We taught him a few songs – all tributes to you. And then we realized – of what use is an elephant if no one can hear him sing praises of the great and powerful Emperor Akbar? That’s why we turned him loose. I bet morale in the country has already improved as a result in the last few days”

Of course, flattery and Birbal’s ideas will get you everywhere. Akbar was satisfied with the explanation, and even rewarded Laxmikant and Pyarelal. Which in the short term, helped them with their financial situation.

This is a common pattern for Birbal. He often helped out those in trouble, especially those about to face punishment from Akbar. 

I have another story like that. But before we get there, here’s a mini-story about another situation where Birbal distinguished himself from the rest of the court.

It was well past court time. And Akbar hadn’t yet arrived. All his ministers had been wondering where he was. The papers were piling up, and he had so many letters to sign, so many drafts to approve, so many people to sentence, so many new bricks to lay, ribbons to cut, lamps to light. And the minister of propaganda had even scheduled him for a sitting to have posters made. How were they going to squeeze everything into a tiny day if Akbar couldn’t even be bothered to show up on time.

But when he finally showed up, Akbar looked at the pile of unsigned papers, the uncut ribbons, the unlit lamps and pushed them all away. “I have been thinking,” he announced. “What should the punishment be for someone who pulls my beard?”

There were shocked expressions all around.

One minister then said that the culprit must be exiled permanently!

Another countered that life in prison was the minimum. A third added that the first two were being excessively generous. The culprit must be executed on the spot.

Others added opinions of escalating gore. Until Akbar called for silence. 

“Birbal, you haven’t said a word. What do you think?”

“If someone pulls your beard, we should give them sweets!”

Everyone was stunned. 

“Explain yourself, Birbal” Akbar commanded.

“It’s simple, your highness. The only one who would dare to pull your majesty and to pull your beard is your 2 year old grandson”

Of course that made sense. Akbar laughed out loud. He had totally anticipated this. Birbal was the only one in the court who thought out of the box.

Moving on to story number three. It’s back to Laxmikant Pyarelal. And we’ll see them evade punishment yet again.

The musical duo was back, unleashing their newest compositions onto the full court.

Pyarelal began by saying that they had created something completely new, which they called a limerick.

Pyarelal began with the first one:

“Akbar would gather the wise,

For debates and long thoughtful replies,

Some said he was absurd,

For each puzzling word,

Yet, his court saw genius in his eyes”

Akbar clapped but with a little hesitation. Had the musicians just called him absurd? But no they had praised him.

The musicians didn’t notice the hesitation in Akbar’s applause. He launched into his own limerick:

“Emperor Akbar sits on his throne,

And rules with a mind of his own,

Spends money in a flash,

Many might consider that rash,

And yet his court has prospered and grown”

That felt more like praise, but they definitely called him rash there.

Undaunted by the lack of applause, Pyarelal went on to the next one:

“Akbar is an Emperor so bold,

His treasures are mountains of gold,

But more than his wealth,

He prioritizes health,

A fool to the greedy, we’ve been told”

There it was! This time they had definitely called him a fool! Akbar was furious!

He banished the two musicians on the spot. “Begone, you ungrateful wretches! Get out of my Empire and never return! If you do, I’ll have you executed on the spot!”

Of course, Laxmikant-Pyarelal were distressed. They didn’t even realize what they had done wrong. But of course they couldn’t argue back.

They went quietly. But not too far. They knew from their experience with the elephant that Birbal might be able to solve their problem again. Of course, Birbal had another solution ready. 

Again, Laxmikant and Pyarelal went into the conversation dejected, but came out of it ecstatic. Now, per Birbal’s instructions they just needed to take a holiday for a month. 

A month passed by quickly. At which point, the duo returned to the capital, found the tallest tree and camped on the highest branches.

Naturally, Akbar got to hear about this. He was livid. But his anger quickly changed to intrigue when his guards told him that Laxmikant and Pyarelal refused to come down from the tree. They claimed to be following Akbar’s orders.

Curiosity got the best of him to the point that Akbar went to the tree himself, and demanded an explanation.

This time, Laxmikant had had a month to rehearse Birbal’s instructions. “It’s like this, your majesty. We tried really hard to stay banished. But every direction we went in, we found we couldn’t exit your empire at all. Your majesty’s empire is so vast, it spreads endlessly in every direction North, South, East, West and everything in between. So we figured we’d try to stay away from your empire by trying a new direction. Straight up.”

Akbar laughed out loud, and forgave the musicians. Of course they hadn’t been smart enough to think of this themselves. But hey, Birbal was not just wise, but also a sound judge of character. If he thought the musicians were worth retaining in the empire, he might as well keep them. For their part, Laxmikant Pyarelal had learned their lesson. No more ambiguously worded phrasing that might provoke Akbar. 

That’s it for story number three.

Finally coming to mini story number four. Similar to the mini story number two the court was gathered and waiting to get down to business. But they didn’t yet begin, because someone was late. No, not Akbar again. He was there. And so were all the other ministers. Except Birbal. Finally, a full hour later, Birbal arrived.

Akbar was quite annoyed at Birbal for being so late.

“Birbal, I’m going to dock your pay for this! Why are you so late anyway?”

Birbal apologized and said that he had struggled with parenting. His child was being unreasonable and needed time to be calmed down.

Akbar was surprised. “Birbal, you can’t take care of a simple thing like that?”

Birbal cautiously said that every child is different, and each child may also become more or less difficult to manage at different times.

Akbar couldn’t accept this. “Let’s roleplay here. You be the child, I’ll be the parent. Observe carefully and take notes Birbal – you’ll be learning from the expert!”

“Waah, waah, I don’t want to eat my porridge!” Birbal began.

“What do you want then, my child?” Akbar asked, quite calmly.

“Not porridge!” Birbal wailed again.

“Well, what about Idli? Dosa? Vada? Upma? Paratha?” Akbar asked, while simultaneously signaling to his butler to pay close attention here.

“I want a mango!” demanded Birbal

“A mango! In this season?” exclaimed Akbar.

But Birbal kept wailing loudly, so Akbar ordered his staff to go fetch a mango from somewhere!

It took a while, but a mango was finally procured. Probably the last survivor from the season that was truly over a month ago. 

“I want it diced,” wailed Birbal.

Akbar instructed his cook to cut the mango, and he did, with precision that comes from a lifetime of practice.

All this while Birbal continued to cry.

And when he looked at the pieces of the mango presented to him on a beautiful plate, he wailed again. “Noooo! I don’t want it like that,” screamed Birbal. “Put it back. Put the mango back together, peel and all.”

That was the breaking point. Akbar threw his hands up. Birbal had just demonstrated again – no one, not even the Emperor himself, could embarrass him.

That’s all for now

Next Time

In the next episode, we’ll cover the final story from Vikram and Betaal. And we’ll see what Vikram has in store for him when he finally takes the Betaal to the sinister Rishi.

Feedback

Thank you all for the comments on Social Media and on Spotify’s Q&A! Now with the latest update I can actually reply to the questions there, so I’ll reply to your comments directly there.

If you have any other comments or suggestions or if there are particular stories you’d like to hear, please do let me know by leaving a comment or a review on the site sfipodcast.com, or comment directly on Spotify. You can also find me on Instagram and Facebook. You can listen to the show on all podcast apps, as well as Youtube. If you want to send me an email it’s stories.from.india.podcast@gmail.com.

A huge thank you to each of you for all your support and your feedback throughout the last 300 episodes. I’m deeply grateful

The music is from Purple Planet.

Thanks for listening and I’ll see you next week!