Akbar-Birbal – Birbal’s Guru – {Ep.234} – Stories From India – Podcast

Today’s episode is an Akbar-Birbal one. We’ll see Birbal explain to Akbar how he got all his knowledge and intelligence, and we’ll see how Birbal reacts to being relegated to the role of a dhobi’s donkey!

Welcome to “Stories From India”. This is a podcast that will take you on a journey through the rich mythology, folklore and history of the Indian subcontinent. I am Narada Muni, the celestial storyteller and the original “time lord”. With my ability to travel through space and time, I can bring you fascinating stories from the past, the present, and the future. From the epic tales of the Mahabharata and Ramayana to the folktales of the Panchatantra to stories of Akbar-Birbal and Tenali Raman, I have a story for every occasion.

The purpose of the stories is neither to pass judgment nor to indoctrinate. My goal is only to share these stories with people who may not have heard them before and to make them more entertaining for those who have.

Today’s Story

If you listened to the last episode, you might have come here expecting a Kartikeya story. And I promise the Kartikeya story is coming, but it’ll be next week. You see, I’ve had not one but two birthday requests for Akbar-Birbal stories this week. So, Siddy, and Preeti, I wish each of you a happy birthday!

We have done several Akbar Birbal stories before, but all of them stand alone. The only context you need is that Akbar was a real historical figure. He was an emperor who ruled most of 16th century India. Birbal was a minister in his court, and not just a minister – he was Akbar’s favorite. There was no problem that Birbal could not solve, no mystery he could not unravel, and no question he could not answer. If Akbar was Bertie Wooster, Birbal would have been his Jeeves.

Let’s jump right into Akbar’s palace, where Akbar was introducing a very special guest to his favorite minister Birbal.

“Birbal, I want you to meet a very special guest” the emperor said.

Birbal glanced at the man and immediately said “Jahanpanah, Muallam, I am very pleased to meet the person who was responsible for guiding our illustrious Emperor during his childhood”

The Jahanpanah and Muallam, that is the Emperor and the teacher, were both shocked. How did Birbal know he had been Akbar’s tutor? Akbar demanded an explanation, while the tutor asked who was Birbal’s tutor? One of the greats no doubt.

Birbal had expected them to ask. He really really wanted to say. “It’s elementary, your highness. Your tutor is carrying a briefcase that is a 1550 special issue that was quickly discontinued because of animal cruelty protests. The briefcase looks well used, but not recently, judging by the pattern of wear on the leather.

You and I have known each other for a long time, and yet I’ve never met this gentleman before.

He’s also not a stranger to you, because he’s not nervous or excited. So this is a reestablishment of a relationship from long ago. In 1550 you would have been 8 years old.

Then I noticed the patterns on the gentleman’s hand that could only have been made by using a quill several hours a day. And not just an ordinary quill, but the tutor’s special edition. The ink stain on his right forefinger clinched it. That’s how I knew. Like I said, elementary”

But he didn’t say all that. Instead, he said “Just a lucky guess, your majesty. Your tutor has an aura of enlightenment. No doubt, he is proud of the person you have become under his guidance and illumination in your formative years”

When Birbal put it that way, neither Akbar nor his tutor could have objected to that. It would simply have been awkward to do so.

If an impartial observer like yourselves had seen the tutor, you might have reached a different conclusion. You might have attributed the worry lines on the tutor’s face and the premature hair loss to misadventures in the classroom. The look on the tutor’s face suggested that he regretted not chucking in the towel early in his career. Instead of trying to mold his students’ future he often hoped he was in a less dangerous profession like lion tamer or juggler of flaming swords.

The conversation turned to this and that, and the tutor finally left, with gifts from the Emperor. 

Akbar faced Birbal grimly. “I was observing you closely Birbal, I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t actually answer my teacher’s question.”

Birbal said he didn’t know what question Akbar was talking about. To which, the Emperor said that it was the question of who Birbal’s teacher had been.

It was obvious, Akbar added, that all of Birbal’s wit and wisdom and knowledge was surely a result of academic training and not genetic predisposition and intellectual curiosity. He bet Birbal’s teacher had taken courses including Royal Roasts and Courtly Comedy 101, The Art of Quip Crafting and so on. So who was Birbal’s pun-dit if Birbal didn’t mind the pun? Or even if he did.

Birbal denied all this but Akbar wouldn’t listen to him. There must have been a tutor. Birbal’s knowledge was too structured, too precise, too comprehensive for him to have acquired it through life lessons learned in a turbulent 16th century environment.

Birbal figured the Emperor was not going to be satisfied with an answer contrary to his opinion. So it was easier to admit defeat. “Alright your majesty. You’re too clever for me. I had a teacher who equipped me with the art of witty comebacks.”

But if Birbal was hoping for Akbar to run a victory lap around Birbal and then move on to other topics, he was wrong. Akbar did run a victory lap, but followed it up with the desire to meet Birbal’s tutor.

“C’mon Birbal, I showed you my teacher, now you show me yours” Akbar said.

Birbal thought for a bit and said he could take Akbar to see him. There was just one condition. Akbar could not reveal he was the Emperor. “You see,” Birbal explained, “my teacher, my guru, has an intense dislike for the government’s fiscal policy that is only exceeded by his contempt for this year’s government spending on swimming pools”

“Oh so that’s why you’ve been against my plans Birbal. I was wondering why you raised such a big ruckus when I insisted on building a swimming pool on every city block. Very well, if your guru is going to be so sensitive about it, I won’t reveal my identity. We’ll go in disguise.”

Akbar had several disguises, given he was in the habit of walking around amongst his people collecting feedback directly from their mouths about what they thought of their ruler. 

Akbar was really looking forward to this. He already held Birbal in the highest regard. And now he was going to meet the person who was sure to be way smarter than Birbal. If he got to learn even a tiny bit from Birbal’s guru, he was confident he was going to suddenly become much smarter, maybe even smarter than Birbal.

A few days later, one early morning, Akbar and Birbal got ready in their peasant clothes and walked towards where the guru was. There was no real guru of course. Birbal had used the intervening time to set up something. He had found a substitute to play the role of his guru. Finding a fake gray beard and wig and tattered saintly robes wasn’t hard. He just got them from Akbar’s own well-stocked room full of costumes, without the emperor realizing it.
As for finding a person to play the role, he could have hired a professional actor. There was an assortment of actors all named Khan that he could have paid an exorbitant fee for a few mins of acting. But this role didn’t need emotional delivery, or a body that had spent too much time bulking up in the gym, or insane dance moves. So he found himself a shepherd boy. The shepherd said he had already herd it through an ewe-tube ad that Birbal was in the market for an actor. The shepherd agreed to play the role in exchange for a baaanana, though he said he might have preferred a candy baaar.

When Akbar and Birbal arrived at the rendezvous, the shepherd was seated under a tree, just as Birbal had instructed.

“Guruji, it is me, Birbal” the minister said

The “Guru” nodded his head, seemed about to say something, but then turned to Akbar and became silent. 

So far he was playing his part perfectly!

Akbar said “Guruji, I’m here to tap into your vast knowledge.”

The Guru said nothing.

“Would you like to start with Clever Comebacks 101? Or Introduction to Courtly Comedies? I have brought a notebook and I will take pay attention and hang on to your every word”

The Guru said nothing.

“Perhaps you’d like to begin somewhere else? Some other topic?”

The Guru still said nothing.

“Please Guruji, I have come from far, and I’ve taken a lot of effort just to get access to you. I really want to learn whatever I can from you. Please teach me!” Akbar was getting desperate and it was showing.

But the Guru still did not say anything.

A few more minutes of trying, and then Akbar decided they had no choice but to go back. Just before leaving, Birbal left a banana for his Guru. He explained to Akbar that it was just something simple he had on his person, and it might serve as a token gift for his Guru.

Akbar wondered aloud if maybe he should also have left a simple gift for the Guru from whatever he found in his pockets. He only had a thick wad of cash and a gold necklace, but that was simple wasn’t it? Birbal assured him that he had done the right thing by not offering cash and gold. His Guruji might not react well.

The two walked in silence for a while. Akbar seemed deep in thought, and Birbal didn’t want to disturb him. Finally, the Emperor broke the silence.

“A label was sticking out of the Guruji’s clothes and I couldn’t help notice.”

Birbal’s heart skipped a beat. Was Akbar onto him? 

“Funny coincidence,” Akbar continued “your guru shops at the same store from where I get clothes for all my disguises.”

The quick thinking minister replied “Your highness, your choice of store is a wise one. Your clothes are genuinely peasant. You could fool anyone in your disguise”

“But never mind the clothes, Birbal. I’m worrying about something else.”

And he was. Birbal’s guru was obviously a fool. He must have been quite smart back when he was actively teaching Birbal, but now he had become senile. It was obvious he was quite incapable of teaching anyone anything. Birbal was probably too close to his Guru not to detect his teacher’s continuous decline.

And now he directed his question, trying to be gentle so as not to hurt Birbal’s feelings.

“Tell me Birbal, what would a sensible person do, when he meets a fool?”

Birbal was ready with an answer, “It’s simple, your majesty. Any sensible person would stay silent”

Akbar’s jaw dropped. It would not be an exaggeration to say he was gobsmacked. He realized what Birbal meant. His Guruji had stayed silent because he considered Akbar to be a fool.

That hit the emperor where it hurt the most. “Not a word about this to anyone” he warned his minister.

Of course, Birbal didn’t tell anyone. But how was Akbar to know that I was right there, witnessing the whole thing? And I certainly haven’t been able to keep quiet about this story. Which is why it’s no longer a secret.

Today, I’ll tell you about one more incident. It happened when Akbar and his wife, Begum , were walking with Birbal in the extensive palace grounds. It was not unusual for Birbal to accompany husband and wife. You see, Akbar thought he could boost his wife’s intellect to nearer his own level, if only Begum could hear more conversations between himself and Birbal.

Today, Akbar had asked a question about how quickly an orchard would bear fruit if new apple trees were planted in a fibonacci sequence. Birbal had provided a reply of course.

But Begum was hardly paying any attention. Who cared about hypothetical apple orchards? She had much more important things on her mind.

“What a clever reply Birbal! Don’t you think so Birbal?” Akbar asked Begum

Begum said “let’s go swimming.”

Akbar sighed. This is how all his attempts always ended up. They’d end up swimming again.

But having Birbal along was not a bad thing. Now they wouldn’t have to leave their clothes on the ground or on a tree where they might get dirty. Birbal could carry them.

That’s what they did. While the Emperor and Empress enjoyed their swim, they saw Birbal in the distance carrying a pile of all their clothes, standing awkwardly in the hot sun. I’m not sure what he was thinking. Even if smartphones had existed back then, this was a remote enough area not to have wifi, so it’s unlikely he’d have found a way to keep busy.

It was Begum who suggested to Akbar that Birbal reminded her of a Dhobi’s donkey. A Dhobi is a person who washes clothes, a medieval Indian version of a washing machine, except there was no automation involved. And donkeys were a Dhobi’s preferred beast of burden for transporting clothes to and from the riverbank where Dhobis typically did the washing.

Akbar readily agreed with Begum, and because he was Akbar he even told Birbal. “Birbal, you silly man. You looked so silly, carrying a donkey’s load”

Birbal’s reply was quick. “Correction, your majesty. I was carrying two donkeys’ load”

Yet again, Birbal twisted every verbal barb aimed at him.

At least, Akbar was in a good mood and laughed with him. Begum didn’t say anything, but after that she had a personal wardrobe installed near every swimming pool in the palace grounds.

That’s all for now

Some notes on the show

Previous Akbar-Birbal stories are linked in the show notes and on the site sfipodcast.com, check them out. Akbar-Birbal – Stories From India 

That’s all for now. 

Next Time

In the next episode, we’ll do the Kartikeya story that I’d previously promised.

Feedback

Thank you all for the comments on Social Media and on Spotify’s Q&A! I can’t directly reply to the questions there, but I’ll address them here on this show.

Siddy, Preeti, I hope you liked today’s story.

Siddy and Prasanna, thank you for the generous praise! 

Thank you Moshroom, Shwetha and Taal.

Shalu – glad you liked the story. Yes, you’re absolutely right. The situation from last week’s episode is definitely analogous to the one with Amba, Bhishma and Shalya. A lady caught in an unfortunate bind between the pride and ego of two men. If some of you other listeners aren’t familiar with the story, check out Episode 91 linked in the show notes and on the site sfipodcast.com

Rajul – thrilled that Stories From India was your top podcast. Thank you for your support!

Thank you as always Hiranmayee. Thank you Rajul as well. I’ll post an update on the merchandise idea as that develops.

Darsh, thank you, and the Tipu Sultan story is coming up.

Mamta, we’ll go back to Chandrakanta in a couple of weeks

Shwetha Patil – thank you for the support! I’d love to do a Ramayana story. Do please let me know when your birthday is and I’ll cover it then.

Taal – the same for you, I’m aiming to start on Ponniyin Selvan soon anyway. So the timing might be fortuitous.

In general, I’m more than happy to do birthday requests, I just have one ask of those who are requesting stories on their birthdays. Please let me know a bit in advance when your birthday is coming up, so I can plan episodes.

If you have any other comments or suggestions or if there are particular stories you’d like to hear, please do let me know by leaving a comment or a review on the site sfipodcast.com, or reply to the questions on Spotify Q&A. You can also find me on Instagram and Facebook, and on X.

Be sure to subscribe to the show to get notified automatically of new episodes.

A big thank you to each of you for your continued support and your feedback.

The music is from Purple Planet.

Thanks for listening and I’ll see you next time!