Tenali Raman – Raman’s Ruses – {Ep.272}

Today’s episode features two Tenali Raman stories about how this court jester outsmarts a greedy lender in a courtroom and also how he sells his house for free!

Namaskar and welcome to “Stories From India”. This is a podcast that will take you on a journey through the rich mythology, folklore and history of the Indian subcontinent. I am Narada Muni, the celestial storyteller and the original “time lord”. With my ability to travel through space and time, I can bring you fascinating stories from the past, the present, and the future. From the epic tales of the Mahabharata and Ramayana to the folktales of the Panchatantra to stories of Akbar-Birbal and Tenali Raman, I have a story for every occasion.

The purpose of the stories is neither to pass judgment nor to indoctrinate. My goal is only to share these stories with people who may not have heard them before and to make them more entertaining for those who have.

Today’s Story

In this episode, we’re back to the world of Tenali Raman. If you haven’t heard previous Tenali Raman stories, that is perfectly okay because each of these stories stand alone.

I’m about to give you the only context you need. Krishnadevaraya and Tenali Raman were both real historical people. Tenali Raman was a court jester in the court of Krishnadevaraya in 16th century India – always ready with a punchline. Krishnadevarya ruled the Vijayanagara empire which covered a massive portion of Southern India. 

But being a court jester doesn’t mean that Raman was a fool. Tenali Raman was quite a scholar, and also a polyglot – he was a master of 8 different languages! Raman used his wisdom and his knowledge to roast those around him, while also making a quick buck off the side! And the Emperor was his victim most frequently.

Krishnadevarayar mostly took all this in good humor. Except for all those times that he tried to have his jester punished, banished, executed, and tortured. Raman managed to weasel out of all such situations.

Today’s story begins not with a King, but with Raman and his friend. Yeah, despite being quite arrogant and with a very selfish attitude, Raman had a friend. Kind of. Swarthee was purely a bandwagon buddy. If you’re not familiar with the term “bandwagon buddy”, it’s because I just invented it. In this case it means someone who is only a friend because they heard it was fashionable to have at least one friend at court. 

Raman wasn’t completely oblivious to all this. He knew Swarthee was in it only for himself. But that didn’t stop Raman from chatting with Swarthee. Raman might also get something out of it. Today, though Raman was thinking that there might be a limit to his patience. Swarthee was going on and on about some guy who was a bandar sometimes(bandar is the hindi word for monkey), or a cheetah at some point, and somehow a hawk and a Bear came into it – though Raman didn’t quite follow how.

“What’s next Swarthee? Are you opening a zoo?,” Raman interrupted.

Swarthee stared for a full minute before responding. “Haven’t you been listening, Raman? I was talking about the banker who is quite the cheater. He cheats hawkers like me, and I can’t bear it”

Raman of course he had understood all that. Only a person not paying attention would have misunderstood. Of course. 

“So tell me more about this banker of yours,” Raman added. He wasn’t just trying to mollify Swarthee. Raman could sniff an opportunity here. If this banker was a cheater, he might make some easy money off of him.

So the next hour, Raman learned everything there was to learn about this banker. Turns out he wasn’t actually a banker. He was more of a rental service provider. Sort of like the 16th century version of Rent-a-center. That made sense then that his name was Udhaar – which literally means a loan or rental. 

The model worked like this. Swarthee borrowed pots and pans from Udhaar, and tried to sell them. If he managed to sell a pan, he had to pay Udhaar the cost price of the pan. If he didn’t sell it, he just returned the kitchenware. No harm, no foul, just a hefty subscription fee – like Netflix but for cookware.

Raman went home thinking about this. He kept thinking about this again through dinner and before he slept he had an idea, which contributed to a deep sleep that night.

The next day, Raman put his plan in motion. He disguised himself as a hawker. And he showed up at Udhaar’s doorstep.

Udhaar looked at the hawker at his doorstep and realized he looked exactly like his target clientele. A hawker who wasn’t very well-dressed, meaning he didn’t have enough money to feed an army of lawyers. And his clothes weren’t terribly tattered either. Extracting money from people at either end of the economic spectrum was rather difficult. Udhaar preferred to cook their goose to a perfect medium – crispy but still tender.

So Udhaar suspected nothing. Raman readily signed his name on the stamp paper, and exited stage left, with a dozen silver pots and pans he had just borrowed. The deal was a next-day return of the kitchenware. Or payment to Udhaar. Being a completely new client, Udhaar wouldn’t agree to any duration longer than a single day. But this suited Raman just fine.

So the very next day, Raman returned. But not with Udhaar’s original dozen silver pots and pans. He returned with eighteen pots and pans. Udhaar was genuinely taken aback. In retrospect he should have quietly accepted all 18 pots and pans and not said a single word. But this had never happened to him. No one had given him more pots and pans than he had lent out. Before he could stop himself, he asked Raman “18?! But I only gave you 12 pots and pans”

Raman laughed and said of course, there were 18. You see, Udhaar may not have realized it but some of the pots were pregnant. That’s why there were now 6 extra tiny pots. And since the parent pots belonged to Udhaar, the children did too. So yeah – that was it. And it wasn’t all that unusual, Raman added. He had seen this movie where all the pots and pans were alive. Beauty and the Beast, Raman thought it was called. By some guy called Disney Kapoor or Disney Singh or something.

Anyway, Raman cheerfully bid Udhaar goodbye and said it was a shame he, Raman, hadn’t managed to sell a single pot. But he’d be back next week and borrow more pans from Udhaar – maybe he would have better luck then.

Udhaar realized that Raman had gotten confused and assumed that those pots had given birth. What a simpleton. Who ever heard of such a thing? But not for Udhaar to contradict him, if all he was getting extra pots out of it.

So the next week when Raman, the hawker, was back asking to borrow more pans, Udhaar nudged him towards the pots. Last time only the pots had been pregnant, according to Raman. So it might work this time as well. Worst case, if there were no mixup with other pots, Raman would have to return the original pots. No matter what, Udhaar would come out on top.

So imagine Udhaar’s excitement when Raman asked to borrow Gold pots this time, instead of silver. Udhaar was going to get even more value out of this than he had anticipated. Udhaar spent the whole day being extremely cheerful. 12 gold pots. Might fetch him 24 gold pots. Well 12 regular gold pots and 12 little gold pots to be precise. But little or not, gold was gold.

So that night when Raman returned, Udhaar was feeling generous, and on the cusp of inviting Raman in for a cup of chai. But he stopped when he saw Raman had returned empty handed. Where were all the pots? He asked Raman.

Raman said he had distressing news. The most terrible news of all. What were the odds of all 12 golden pots passing away during delivery?

Udhaar was shocked. What utter nonsense was this?

Raman agreed, this was intolerable. How could the government not be taking any steps to protect the health of pots? He had a good mind to dash off a letter right now to King Krishnadevaraya.

Udhaar was getting angry now. It was Raman who was spewing nonsense. And if he didn’t return Udhaar’s pots, Udhaar would take him to court and bankrupt him. 

Raman refused, and Udhaar did exactly that. The case landed before the judge, who was of course King Krishnadevaraya. Because you know he was the King, Supreme Justice and Lawmaker all rolled into one person. Along with being the CEO and Head of HR.

Krishnadevaraya, unaware that Raman was the hawker, heard both sides patiently. If he had known the identity of the hawker, he might have ruled straight away in Udhaar’s favor. Krishnadevaraya knew Raman was a sneaky slimy serpent who stole money from behind people’s backs while also ridiculing them. He had come to this conclusion based on his treasurer reporting to him that the Orphans’ meal budget had to be cut because the King had handed out far too many bags of gold to Raman.

Anyway, Krishnadevaraya heard Udhaar’s side and turned a stern glance at Raman. Was Raman for real, trying to pass off such a ridiculous story? He told the hawker to just return Udhaar’s pots and they could both go home happy.

“Ah but I would,” Raman answered “but first, you must hear the prequel.”

And so Raman narrated the incident with the Silver Pots and how they had given birth, and how Udhaar had accepted it so readily.

Krishnadevaraya’s reaction to this was not what anyone expected. He burst out laughing. He sent home Udhaar empty handed, and told Raman to take off that ridiculous hawker disguise. Of course he realized that only Raman could have come up with an outrageous plan like this one. He was a smart cookie, after all. And because he was generous and easily forgetful as well, he handed Raman another bag of gold, completely missing the distressed glances from the treasurer.

That’s that for the first story. Let’s hope Udhaar learned his lesson. But knowing human psychology it would be hard to bet on it.

Anyway, on to the second, mini story. Let’s assume it carried on right after the first one.

“You’re a miser, Raman,” the King told him.

“I am forced to be a miser, your majesty. If I’m not prudent, how can I take care of my children?”

“Are you saying, Raman, that in the right circumstances you would not be stingy with money?”

Raman nodded, but Krishnadevaraya found that hard to believe. 

So Raman had an idea.

“I’ll tell you what, your highness. I’ll give away my home for free. It’s prime real-estate, it’s on millionaires row, and faces the extensively beautiful Brindavan gardens. Convenient public transport. There’s a bullock cart stop right outside my home.”

The King’s jaw dropped. And actually, everyone at court was shocked too.

The King made Raman repeat what he had just had. Raman, give away his home for free? Made no sense at all. But they gave Raman a chance. Raman just had one small request. He needed some gold to setup advertising, posters so as to attract buyers from everywhere. The King readily gave him gold.

Truth be told, Raman didn’t really need any advertising. And he didn’t actually spend any money on it. News traveled fast by word of mouth anyway. There were long lines of prospective buyers outside of Raman’s home the next morning. The King himself came along to watch the action.

Raman had setup a table and called on each candidate one by one. And the King sat by observing the brilliant Raman at work.

“I’d like to buy this home, for nothing. I have nothing, no money. I’m your ideal candidate,” said the eager buyer.

“Now hold on, do you have your own home?”

“Yes, I do, but I’d love to own this one,” the buyer replied.

It was at this point that Raman pointed at the fine print. He was going to give away this home for free. But only if the new owner was completely content, completely satisfied with their existing home.

“Are you satisfied with your existing home?” Raman asked.

The buyer nodded without anticipating Raman’s response.

“If you’re satisfied with your existing home, why do you need a new one? Go on, shoo. Next” Raman called out.

It was foolproof logic. If the buyer had instead said he wasn’t satisfied, as many others in the queue did, Raman would have simply dismissed them. Because that meant they didn’t meet Raman’s one and only criterion for the new owner.

The King asked what if a homeless person showed up. The question did not apply to them, did it? But Raman insisted that it did. To be content with their existing home, they had to have an existing home.

The King tried more edge cases in mind. Raman had an answer for every one of them. For example if someone wanted Raman’s home and wanted to convert it to something else – a museum,an ice cream parlor, a salon, a cafe. Then by Raman’s criteria it would not remain a home, and again that would violate Raman’s condition.

There you have it. Raman once again weaseled out of this situation. He mock-reluctantly concluded to the King that he had been more than willing to give away his home, but the right kind of person just did not exist. What a shame.

That’s all for now

Some notes on the show

Check out previous Tenali Raman stories in the show notes and on the site sfipodcast.com

https://sfipodcast.com/category/tenali-raman

That’s all for now. 

Next Time

In the next episode, we’ll go back to the Mahabharata. We’ll continue the main storyline with the Pandavas and Kauravas locked in an infamous game. The stakes are high after the Pandavas have already lost their personal freedom. Now Yudhishtir is about to gamble on Draupadi’s freedom as well.

Feedback

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