Tenali Raman – The Artful Dodger – {Ep.180} – Stories From India Podcast

This week, it’s time for a Tenali Raman story. It’s been over a year since we last did one, so I figured we could cover a couple of stories of this colorful character from the 16th century. jester in Krishnadevarayar’s court. We’ll see why it’s a bad idea to say something patronizing to the King. And if you end up in that situation and the King is really really mad at you, Raman has some advice for you on how you can escape exile and maybe even execution.

Our story begins on a typical day in Emperor Krishnadevarayar’s court. Let’s hear it from the perspective of two people in the audience.

The first one, let’s call him Patrakaar, poked the person standing next to him, whom I shall call Adhikari.

Blue Shoes looked at him more in puzzlement than annoyance. “What do you want?”

Red Turban announced himself as a press reporter, here to report about the excesses of government spending on the court jester, Tenali Raman.

Blue Shoes shook his head – “nothing will come of it. You can’t stop the King from spending his money on Raman. You’ll see. Court is starting soon”

The Minister for Court Affairs cleared his throat and said “Good Morning to his illustrious majesty, and to everyone else. Before we begin today’s meeting, a couple of announcements. Will the gentleman with the red bullock cart please go to the parking lot immediately? You didn’t tie your bullocks properly and now they are loose and creating a bit of a mess.”

A courtier in one of the backbenches hurriedly got up and excused himself.

The Minister continued. “Rookie mistake. It seems like we get one every month. Next on the agenda, I hope everyone kept the raffle tickets from last night’s party. There will be another drawing. Raman’s winning ticket was disqualified when it was found that he had stolen it”

“I object!” shouted Raman

The Minister corrected himself “I mean Raman ….uh… obtained it without purchasing it through official means”

Which seemed to satisfy Raman.

“Next on the agenda,” continued the Minister, “a shout out to Narada Muni’s podcast which recently featured our King. That was in Episode 166. If you haven’t heard it yet, town criers will be narrating the episode all night as they make their rounds. Just as they have been for the last week.”

No one had been able to sleep peacefully since the King got this brilliant idea. Except maybe the King himself. His bedroom faced away from the open streets. 

People groaned at the announcement. But only silently.

Adhikari poked Patrakar in the ribs and said that Patrakar should be writing an article about that. How the King’s ego boosting was disturbing everyone’s sleep

But Patrakar politely declined. Turns out, he was working a second job as town crier, and the last few days the pay was really good!

“Before we carry on with the first item on the agenda, which is Tathachary’s complaint,” the Minister continued “we’ll be replaying the Krishnadevaraya’s podcast episode because we are aware that some of you may have missed the nightly replays, and all the repeat narrations from the last few days”.

Everyone groaned, but silently. No one dared to express how they really felt. At least aloud.

But in the back of the crowd, Patrakaar nudged Adhikari in the ribs and said “c’mon let’s sneak out of here. We’ll go to the cafeteria. I’ll buy you a coffee, and you can give me some deep background information”

Adhikari was more than eager to get out of there. He couldn’t stand listening to Krishnadevarayar’s biography again! Truth be told, he would have paid to get out of there, so the coffee was a nice bonus. But being a true bureaucrat, Adhikari said that he would have to fill a bunch of forms. He was ready to look past the missing forms, but only if Patrakar offered him some samosas as well! Patrakar was happy to!

“Yeah, I’ve been a courtier for a very long time,” Adhikari replied to Patrakar’s question as they sat down in the cafeteria. “I’ve been here ever since Tenali Raman first appeared. So I can certainly tell you about the times the King has punished him.”

“Let’s see now, there was the time that the King told Raman never to show his face again. Raman still came back to court the next day, but with his head in a pot.”

“How could he see, with his head in a pot? Unless he had x ray vision like superman”

“He made little holes for his eyes and nose and his mouth of course. He was technically showing a part of his face, but no one listened to me when I tried to point out that technicality. In fact the King laughed and gave him gold. Can you imagine?”

“Yes I can. That’s why I’m trying to write this article, you know.”

“That’s true. But then did you know about the time Raman was going to get a whipping?”

“Episode 19 of Narada Muni’s podcast. Yes, I know all about it. Say, do you have any more new material?”

“You’ll probably get to see one live shortly. Shall we head back now?”

So they did. And just in time. Because just then the Emcee had just asked Tathachary to step up and explain his complaint.

Patrakar immediately whispered to Adhikari to ask who Tathachary was. “Our readers might like to know,” he added.

Adhikari answered that Tathachary was a sort of a guru or teacher to the Emperor. If Tathachary had a complaint it meant the King would act on it. For certain. There were no prizes for guessing who Tathachary was complaining about. Since the day Tenali Raman had arrived, there had always been some kind of a strong rivalry between the two. Tenali Raman was irreverent and Tathchary was contemptuous. Not a combination that fixes itself.

“He cheated me, your majesty.” Tathachary said “I was bathing in the river and he stole my clothes. He only promised to return them if I carried him on my shoulders. So I did!”

“Yes, I know that part, Tathachary sir. I saw him treating you that way, and I dispatched my soldiers to give him a good beating.”

“Your majesty, this scoundrel saw the soldiers coming with sticks and I didn’t. He claimed that because he felt bad for me, he wanted to carry me instead. How was I to know that he had merely anticipated the exact wording of your instructions? So when the soldiers came, they beat the man on the shoulders, me instead of Raman!”

Krishnadevarayar almost burst out laughing. But seeing his guru’s glare he quickly changed it into a fake snort instead. “Tenali. How dare you?”

“I was only trying to make up for my crime, your majesty. I didn’t think the soldiers would beat him!”

“I’ve had it with you Raman. I often think that if you’re so blatantly making fun of my Guru, you must be making fun of me as well?”

“What? No, your majesty! Why is there any need to do that?” Raman replied quickly.

“There you go, you’re just doing it again!” the King snapped. “I think you can’t help yourself. Well there’s only one cure for this.”

“No! Please, your majesty! Anything! I can stand anything. Except for a paid vacation! Please spare me” Raman begged. He was trying a little bit of reverse psychology. Unfortunately for him it backfired.

“Alright Raman. So be it. No vacation for you. Instead I order you to be executed.”

Shocked silence around the court. The only noise was Patrakar’s quill furiously racing on paper.

“I’ll be generous though. You may choose the manner of your death. The Minister for Executions has quite a catalog if you want to pick something off of it”

This was the Minister of Executions’s moment in the spotlight. He stepped up quickly with copies of a menu. “Thank you for the opportunity, your majesty. I have several options Mr. Raman sir. May I recommend the House special tonight. It’s a beheading device of my own invention. I call it the guillotine. I already got a large batch of orders from France. I bet that in no time, it’s going to become the latest craze, the fashion in Paris. Prisoners will be rankling their chains clamoring for the guillotine instead of a plain old hanging”

But Raman politely refused. “No thank you, Minister. I won’t need a catalog. I have already chosen a manner of execution. The King has given his word that he’ll grant it.”

The Minister of Executions looked crestfallen. He had spent a fairly large portion of his budget in creating the catalog. And so far none of the people on death row seemed to like it. Would it have killed them to show some appreciation for all his effort? Actually it would. That was the point.

The King was getting impatient. “Well what is it Raman? Cut to the chase, you may have the rest of your life to slow reveal your choice. But we don’t. We’ve got important work to get back to”

“Your majesty. I wish to die….of old age.” Raman replied.

It was a clever reply. But the King wasn’t buying it. “Not this time, Tenali. It has to be from the catalog”

The Minister of Executions brightened again. 

Reluctantly Tenali browsed through the catalog and picked one. “I wish to be beheaded by a single blow from a soldier while half immersed in the swimming pool”.

That was an odd one. Why had the Minister for Executions even put that one in there? Apparently to fill in a blank page in the catalog.

Well, the gang all moved to the swimming pool. It was awkward. The soldier and Raman were both waist-deep in water. The soldier unsheathed his sword. And he swung it. 

Raman ducked at exactly that time and the soldier missed. Being in the water helped. It impeded easy movement on the soldier’s part. But when the soldier tried again, Raman called a timeout.

“Your attempts are over, soldier. Your majesty. The soldier was instructed to behead me with his sword in a single swing. Bit of a tongue twister there, but the point is that he missed. Now if he beheads me, it’ll be a second swing. It’ll no longer be a single swing of his sword.”

That was a technicality. And it was true.

The King was still not buying it. “Not cool Tenali. You don’t get your way this time. You’ve insulted me and my guru enough times. You’re still getting another death sentence. This time, I’ll decide your manner of execution. I’ve decided that you will be trampled by elephants.”

This was punishment reserved for the worst offenders. Raman would be buried in the sand upto his neck. Then a herd of wild elephants would be released, in the hopes that one of them would accidentally step on the offender and crush them. It was a terrible punishment. Both for the criminal and for the elephants. But it kept the elephant psychiatrists in business.

Raman looked genuinely worried. “Please your majesty. I reluctantly accept your judgment but please don’t carry this punishment out near the Dhobi ghat by the river!”

The Dhobi ghat in case you don’t know is a portion of the riverbank reserved exclusively for Dhobhis to, you know, wash clothes.

The King chuckled. “Why Raman? I bet you owe your Dhobi some money. Soldiers, I command that you carry out the order at Dhobi Ghat. Let that be a lesson to you. Alright, case dismissed. Next”. The King carried on with court. 

But Patrakar and Adhikari sneaked out of the back again. Patrakar needed to witness this live. Maybe once and for all it would put an end to taxpayer money being spent on Raman.

But that was not the way things would turn out. Raman had been applying a bit of reverse psychology again, and this time successfully. 

Within moments of being buried neck deep in the sand, Raman spotted just the person he was hoping to see. An elderly Dhobi or washerman was walking slowly back from the river. He had a heavy load of clothes on his back and he was bent over.

Raman was unguarded. The soldiers had gone off to fetch the elephants. The soldiers didn’t want to do that until after burying Raman, because they didn’t want to give the elephants any trauma, if the elephants realized there had been a living breathing person here in the sand and their casual stroll across the sand had caused death.

Raman was unguarded but not unobserved. Patrakar and Adhikari were staring at him through the bushes. Patrakar was also furiously drawing one sketch after another. He had to try to capture as much evidence of the scene as possible. In the absence of a camera, sketching the details was the only option.

Raman politely and loudly greeted the Dhobi.

The Dhobi was surprised “oh I didn’t see you there Sir. what are you doing buried in the sand?”

While saying that the Dhobi lowered the heavy load of clothes on his back. Which didn’t alter his appearance. Years of carrying heavy loads had taken their toll and the Dhobi’s back was a little deformed.

Raman explained that he wasn’t just buried in the sand. He was getting a cure. A cure for his own deformed back.

This was nonsense of course. Raman’s back was perfectly okay. But the Dhobi didn’t know that. And the Dhobi had been hunting for a cure exactly like this.

The Dhobi pleaded with Raman to let him in on this scheme. With great apparent reluctance, Raman agreed to let the Dhobi dig out Raman and marvel at his apparently cured back. Finally, Raman helped bury the Dhobi neck deck into the spot newly vacated by Raman.

If the punishment had been to get their faces tickled by feathers, or if it had been to be forced to listen to even more repeat narrations of the podcast, Raman’s actions might have been forgiven.

But what followed was pretty much murder. The elephants came, trampled the Dhobi. I wish Patrakar or Adhikari had intervened, but Patrakar wanted to maintain journalistic independence. And no one had submitted filled in forms to Adhikari in triplicate. So he wouldn’t be springing into action.

Raman had the nerve to go back to the King. Puzzlingly, the King welcomed Raman with open arms and even gave him some Gold for what he called entertainment value. But most of the court remained unconvinced.

That’s all for now

Some notes on the show

Not to sound too iconoclastic, but Raman was far too selfish, looking out for no one’s interest but his own.

Previous Tenali Raman stories are here.

As is traditional on the show the characters are named for the roles they play. Patrakar means reporter and Adhikari is the word for an Officer.

That’s all for now. 

Next Time

In the next episode, we’ll go back to the Mahabharata. We did a few peripheral stories recently, but it has been a few months since we covered the main storyline of this great epic. I’ve told a few stories about the education of the Pandava and Kaurav children. Well, there are many more stories around that time in the Mahabharata, but we’ll move on to graduation and choosing a successor to the throne. We’ll still cover other stories from the Pandava and Kaurav childhood but we’ll keep coming back to those stories time and again in future episodes.