In this episode, we’re doing two loosely connected Akbar and Birbal stories – one about the impractical task of counting all the crows in the Empire, and the other had the impossible task of growing wit in pots. If you haven’t heard previous Akbar and Birbal stories on this show, that is totally fine, because all of these stories are standalone.
The only context you need is that these stories are all set in medieval India, most of which was ruled by Emperor Akbar, nearly 500 years ago.
Birbal was a minister in Akbar’s court in his capital city of Agra. And amongst all the ministers, Birbal was the smartest. He was a real historical person too. He was the Jeeves to Akbar’s Bertie Wooster or Sherlock Holmes to his Watson. There was no problem that Birbal could not solve, and no question that he could not answer in a clever way. We’ll see examples of this in both of today’s stories.
The first story begins with Akbar and his ministers out on a walk. Akbar liked to stay fit by walking around the palace gardens. And that meant his ministers had no choice except to stay fit as well.
Most of the ministers did not look forward to this very much. The main reason was not the forced exercise, but the questions that were bound to come. And they were all trick questions, and somehow Birbal managed to solve every one of them. For example, that time back in Episode 73 when Akbar stumped the whole court by asking them to make a line shorter without touching it.
Their only chance of success at court was when Birbal was sick or on vacation. As usual on this walk day, most ministers had arrived expecting to be quizzed. There were the more junior ministers with fire in their belly who wouldn’t give up. They had along their pocket handbook of trivia and cliff’s notes to quickly consult when Akbar asked his questions. The more tenured ministers knew that all these books and notes would not help. Their experience taught them that the way to deal with the situation was to attempt a half-answer and not to spend too much time on it. Birbal would solve it anyway.
Akbar was walking admiring things around him. He pointed to a flower and was about to say something when a babble of voices broke out. Some of the enthusiastic junior ministers spoke up quickly, eager not to be preempted by Birbal again.
“That flower is a rose” quipped the minister of obvious facts.
“A Damask Rose to be precise” said the Minister of Libraries. He was fastest in thumbing through his pocket encyclopedia to the right section.
The minister for Middle Eastern affairs spoke up “it is thought to have originated in the Damascus region in Syria. That’s where it gets the name from”
“Thank you for that information gentleman” the emperor spoke. “I’m sure it’ll be valuable to me one day. But all I was trying to do was to point out that that plant needs watering”
“I have already notified the gardener, your majesty,” someone spoke up, even as the gardener came running upon the scene with a watering can. Birbal was a step ahead of everyone else as usual.
That must have disappointed the junior ministers, but they didn’t show it. In fact, they passionately doubled down in their sycophantic efforts to make an impression on Akbar.
The Emperor next looked up at a crow. The bird was cawing loudly. He asked what it was doing.
“Summoning his buddies” suggested one minister who was also the president of the local birding club.
“So he’s attempting a murder, eh?” asked Akbar. Birbal laughed at that, seeing Akbar laughing as well, all of the other ministers joined in.
A junior minister nudged his neighbor and asked “Why are we all laughing?”
“You shouldn’t ask such questions. When Akbar laughs, we all laugh”
The minister who was president of the local birding club overheard these two. He added thoughtfully “I think it’s because a group of crows is called a “murder”, and this crow is by himself but he’s trying to gather other crows into a group? And don’t ask me why they call a group of crows a murder. It makes zero sense to me. It sounds almost as if someone picked the name out of a hat”
Akbar stopped laughing abruptly. And everyone else stopped laughing immediately, of course.
But seriously, I want to know what the size of the biggest possible murder in Agra.
The minister of Law Enforcement announced that the most impactful murder in Agra, and indeed the Empire, would be the Emperor’s. But the budding ornithologist spoke up and clarified that the Emperor wanted to know how many crows there were in Agra.
Remember how I said past failures had not discouraged the sycophantic junior ministers from trying? Well here’s another example.
The minister for official records spoke up. “I have a proposal – we can commission a census of all the corvid in the Empire”
“Covid?” asked his buddy, the minister for infectious diseases. “This is medieval India, COVID won’t happen for at least another 4 centuries”
“Corvid” – the budding ornithologist chimed in helpfully, “not COVID. Corvid refers to the family of birds including crows, jackdaws, ravens and a few more”
The Minister of official records cleared his throat and continued. “So getting on with my idea of the census. I propose organizing a count of all the census. We will have volunteers, mostly schoolteachers, first responders, entry level clerks do a tree-to-tree canvas and count every crow in the Empire. We’ll divide the empire into sectors and assign one to each volunteer. I estimate that this will take 12.6 crore rupees over 5 years, and will require 13,450 volunteers. They will collect everything on paper and while they are about it they will also collect other information about the crows they meet so that we can use this data for other purposes in the future.”
The Minister for Technology shook his head. “We can’t collect data for indefinite purposes, that is a blatant violation of privacy. Your paper and pencil method doesn’t work. We have to get modern here. I propose the invention of something that I call a radio tag. Every census taker will tranquilize and put this radio tag on each crow they come across. Then they will tally the crows at the end of the process. I estimate this will take 33.2 crore rupees, which is admittedly higher than my colleague’s estimate but still significantly more accurate. The Minister of Official Records cannot guarantee that he won’t double count some crows. But the radio collars will guarantee that it’s accurate”
A few more ministers began speaking about even more grandiose plans to count the number of crows. Akbar looked over at Birbal and asked “why are you silent Birbal? So far, the Minister of Technology’s proposal of using radio collars seems pretty promising to me. Do you have a better solution to offer?”
“Yes, your majesty,” Birbal replied. “And what’s more you won’t need 5 years, it’ll take 5 seconds. And if you do want to spend all that money, I won’t object at all if you give it to me for my hard work.”
“What are you talking about Birbal? You mean to tell me you’ll give me an accurate count of the crows in the Empire in 5 seconds?” Akbar asked incredulously.
“Yes, your majesty. The number of crows in the Empire is precisely one hundred and forty six thousand and seven hundred and thirty two” Birbal replied.
“You seem very confident Birbal. But you know I can call your bluff”
“I will welcome that very much, your majesty,” Birbal replied. “You could commission a census. I am confident that I will be proven right”
“But Birbal, I think you’re being short sighted here. You think you’ll be fine for the next 5 years, but the count is bound to come up different”
“It’s very likely your majesty,” Birbal replied.
“You are admitting it, even?” Akbar was surprised. “Aren’t you worried I’ll have you punished for getting the count wrong?”
“No your majesty. Undoubtedly your highness will see the wisdom in my explanation for why the number is different. If the census reports too large a number, undoubtedly it’s because over the duration of the census there have been too many new births, and much immigration from other Empires. And if the number is too small, that’s obviously because there will have been too many deaths and too much emigration – you know the Crows in this Empire will be visiting their friends outside your lands”
That answer impressed Akbar. At least on that day. But his perspective on matters changed. The more experienced ministers lost no opportunity to point out to Akbar that Birbal had shown great disrespect for him. How could he dismiss the Emperor’s wish to find out something that was important to him. Birbal had assumed that the Emperor’s wish was not worthy enough of serious consideration.
“But he’s right, you know?” Akbar had said. Where would the Empire be if he were to spend all tax rupees on a crow census?
“That doesn’t matter, your majesty” the ministers countered. “It only matters that you needed a count. You are our supreme ruler and your smallest wish should be our command. By overriding the presumption of importance you attached to the question, Birbal has usurped your authority. He can’t do that. He probably thinks you are of low intelligence”
That last bit did the trick. If there’s one thing Akbar was sensitive to, it was being perceived as lacking in intelligence.
He began to resent Birbal’s implied superior intelligence. It got to the point that one day in a fit of rage, Akbar banished Birbal from the Empire forever. That was something more than what everyone expected. But most of them were happy with it, for a while. Then, things started to get worse.
Weeks passed. The walks in the palace garden took on a decidedly somber turn. There was so much silence that you could have heard a leaf falling from a tree. Akbar asked “Can boats fly in the Sky?”. No one answered. “A Horse walks into a bar, what does the bartender say?”. No reply. Someone in the back cleared their throat as if to answer but then kept silent anyway. Akbar shook his head sorrowfully and walked on. He was regretting his decision to banish Birbal. Grudgingly, he decided that his ego must take a hit. He gave the order for Birbal to be brought back.
Scouts were dispatched in every direction but Birbal was nowhere to be found. Days passed and Akbar was more depressed than ever.
Then, something happened that made Akbar even more desperate to find his favorite minister.
The King of Persia and Akbar had a friendly rivalry going. They were often pranking each other. And Akbar came out on top every time. So far. Because, on every occasion that the two monarchs corresponded, Birbal had been by Akbar’s side. Except this time.
The emperor read the King of Persia’s latest letter. It went “Akbar, I am very impressed with how well you respond to every problem I pose to you. I need you to do me a favor. My ministers are hardly capable. I need you to send me some pots of wit.”
Akbar wasn’t sure how he should respond to that. He posed the question to his court. Obviously no one knew how to respond to that. Someone said fill it up with books. That wasn’t such a bad idea. But it wasn’t a complete answer somehow. Books are knowledge, not wit.
Wit is defined as mental sharpness and inventiveness, or keen intelligence. Also a natural aptitude of using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor. You can’t get that from books alone. It takes a lot of practice, and some natural aptitude as well.
How was Akbar going to reply to the King of Persia without admitting defeat?
And yet, no one at court had any further ideas. Well, the Minister for Contests and Competitions had an idea. He said, why not ask everyone in your empire? Someone will know the answer. Akbar considered it and decided “Yes, that actually makes sense”. He had an ulterior motive, because the Minister for Contests and Competitions had unwittingly provided a mechanism to smoke out Birbal. Akbar knew Birbal could not resist answering a question like this one. And well, even if the winning response did not come from Birbal, maybe that was fine. If the winning entry was good enough, he would use that to respond to the King of Persia. It would be a win-win situation for him.
The contest went ahead in full swing. The Minister for Contests and Competitions blew through his budget in no time and then some. Overnight, there were posters all over. The rewards were generous as well. It was announced that the top 100 entries would be rewarded, and that prompted more entries from everyone. There was also no limit to the number of responses per person. Letters poured in from everywhere. The contest was open for a month.
As it happens, Birbal did hear about the contest and as Akbar expected he could not resist taking part. Birbal was rooming with a farmer family in the very outskirts of the Empire.
Over breakfast, Birbal asked if his farmer friend would like to win the grand prize of a thousand gold coins. The farmer said of course, why even ask such a question.
So, the two of them got started on preparing their winning entry. They went out into the field where the farmer had some watermelons growing. Birbal asked for and received a number of pots. The watermelons had just started emerging and were small enough that they could fit through the mouth of the pots. Birbal placed several watermelons into several pots. The field was well-irrigated. Within a few weeks, the watermelons had grown large enough to fit snugly within the pot. At that point, Birbal and his farmer friend snipped off all the vines.
As they had previously arranged, Birbal’s farmer friend carried all the pots to Akbar’s palace. When he got there, he was taken straight to the Emperor. Akbar asked what was the meaning of this? He’d asked for pots of wit, not watermelons.
“Exactly, your majesty” the farmer replied as he had rehearsed with Birbal. “The wit is inside the pots. But wit is a fickle thing. You can have it only if you take it out without breaking the pot”
Most of the courtiers just blankly stared at each other, but Akbar burst out laughing. He was certain this was the perfect response to give to the King of Persia. He ordered his secretary to dispatch these pots and an accompanying letter to the King of Persia. The contest was over.
Akbar made small talk with the farmer while the farmer’s reward was being fetched. And during that time he was completely convinced that the farmer did not possess the intellectual capacity to answer the question the way he had.
But Akbar said nothing. When the farmer departed, Akbar rushed away from his throne. He rushed into a nearby phone booth as himself and emerged in disguise. Much like Clark Kent would have done when transforming into Superman. Except that his disguise wasn’t a superhero costume. It was that of a common man. Akbar liked to travel in disguise amongst his people to see their experiences first hand. This time though, his quest wasn’t to learn what people generally thought of him. It was to learn where the farmer was going. Because that’s where Birbal would be found, he was sure of that.
Akbar followed the farmer for days and ultimately he was led straight to Birbal.
Akbar went up to Birbal and said “You know Birbal, fighting is not a good idea. You know you said some things, I said some things, but it’s all water under the bridge now. Let’s be friends again, and you can have your old job back. I’ll even pay you your salary for all this time you’ve been away”
The truth is the “fight” as the Emperor called it, had actually been completely one-sided. But Akbar was the Emperor after all, and Birbal couldn’t criticize him outright. So he had to respond with a few generic statements that yeah, there were benefits in collaboration. And that he would return. It wasn’t all too terrible for Birbal. Truth be told, farm life was a little too peaceful for him. He relished the chance to be back in the spotlight again.
That’s all for now
Some notes on the show
There are variations of the counting crows story with a slightly different solution. One notable one features Gopal Bhar. Gopal Bhar was a jester in King Krishnachandra’s court. Very similar to Tenali Raman and Birbal. Understandably there is some confusion about which incident is attributed to which of the three.
There are links to previous Akbar and Birbal stories here, check them out.
We have already done some Tenali Raman stories before, the links are here.
We will at some point cover some Gopal Bhar stories.
Next Time
But in the next episode, we’ll do a folk tale from Madhya Pradesh. It’s the story that teaches us that all it takes to transform a tiger into a scaredy cat is a little bit of confidence.